Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!

I did it! I've managed to secure a second date on e-harmony. Ok so the date hasn't actually happened but the fact he asked is enough. After hearing about one girl who has gone on 150 dates, I began to prepare myself for a very long journey. It'll be just like "50 First Dates," except I won't have amnesia and I'm not being courted everyday by the same charismatic man. When I thought about it a bit longer after 50 first dates I might want to develop amnesia. Now, 150? I would need a clone, there is no way I could do it! She could go to work for me everyday and every night date a different guy. Each week it could report back to me via an "Out of this world" gleaming cube while I sun myself on a Costa Rican beach.

Speaking of beaches, I have dreams of what happens when the boss goes on vacation. It usually involves the counter turning into a sandy beach and my cubicle, a cabana. All the law students become male waiters who fan me and deliver Pina Coladas with grenadine in it. It has yet to come true. Last time we were stuck learning the dance moves to the Britney Spears track "Hit me baby one more time." Other times we've played tape, hit the coworker with a stress ball and monkey in the middle.

Back to the potential second date. We had e-mailed a few times, found a few common ground issues. We both dislike people who bike at night wearing all black, without lights or reflectors. We both also have pondered the use of "free range." What does it mean, what's the difference between a free range egg and a cage free one? If you give a chicken enough space to be free range doesn't that pretty much make it cage free?? Well not so my friends. For an egg to be free range it just means that its cage is about 2-3 inches bigger or it has a window. Don't believe me, wiki it!

On our first date I agreed to meet him 7:30 at Yancy's but I still wasn't sure. Even with all the commonalities I also felt overwhelmed by his use of smiley faces. I imagined I was going to meet a man that looked like Jack (from Jack in the Box.) When I got there he was pretty much everything I thought he would be sans jack face, no false advertising in the photo department. We had two beers and chatted until 2am, I have no idea where the time went or what we actually discussed. I know there was a lot of laughing, talk of moon front property, his obsession with daytime TV and what a true enginerd really encompasses. I also do recall a few times I said, I shouldn't be telling you this but....and then telling him stuff that shouldn't come out on a first date. I may need 50 first dates to get back in the game. I left feeling pretty good, there weren't exactly fireworks but there was potential. How could there not be we talked for 6 and a half hours. My throat actually hurt the next day.

I was willing to bet he would call so I was prepared for that but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when it actually happened. I think I'm developing a fear of commitment. What if we said everything we could on the first date? Why ruin a perfectly good memory with a second lackluster one. Maybe I'm not ready to settle down. I think I've become tainted. Last time some guy told me he liked me on a first date less than a month later I had met everyone he cared about and successfully passed his rigorous interview process. Now that was overwhelming. So it does make me nervous. I feel like I meet two types of guys; the ones who as they get older get less and less able to be in a committed relationship and the other ones who are on the fast track to marriage. I would like to find one in the middle. As for this guy, I'll just have to wait and find out.

So there we have it, date number 2 on Saturday. Update to follow next week.

Hey! Hey you! Get outta my head and into my car?

After writing the first blog I felt this sense of accomplishment, like I contributed to the literary world somehow, even if it is just a blog. Two days ago I was seriously ready to throw in the towel. Quit while you're ahead they say but like Jay-Z and Cher, I've decided to come out of retirement and write a second entry. This one is a bit more special, a friend, I guess we will call him that, requested I write one just for him. Blankity-Blank-Blank-Blank, this is for you!

I'm not sure where to begin so I figured here might be the best option, "They call me illiterate, I call them assholes." It was actually a double whammy of isolated insults. Two people, unbeknownst to themselves, have called me illiterate on separate occasions. Apparently having a job where you write gives you the authority to put other people down. I write at my job but I guess it's not the same. (I should note I do know people who write for a living and haven't bought into this so-called secret society of intellectuals against dumb people (IADP).) It's an odd insult, how is one to respond, I can't change that they feel like they have this intellectual superiority over me. All I can say, with my illiterate voice is, "How Rude!" (That's dedicated to you, Michelle Tanner, I think our reading skills are around the same level.)

So I'll start at the beginning, we met under, well, not the best circumstances. Personally I don't think he'll ever look beyond my past life. (Did you see that literacy seekers out there. A past and a present in the same sentence, oh the agony). So out of the gate he called me a slut, not because I was sleeping around but because I wasn't; ironic huh? After that he got in a few solid jabs; stupid, crazy, lunatic, oh your ex-bf hates you and wishes you didn't exist, etc. It's amazing you need to remind someone not to call you stupid. I say if he were a comic book villain he would use his massive bank of insults to suck the life out of you, slowly killing you, because that's how tortuous he is. If I were a comic book heroine I would use my ninja penguin skills and morning star his foul mouth to a wall.

He's got this great way of backhanding his insults. A few weeks ago he told me, "you know what bothers me about you? You play dumb. I don't think you are really dumb and I wish you would be the person I think you can be." Then he proceeds to tell me his friend called him after dinner one night and asked what my deal was. There was some talk of, "is she dumb?" but the friend assured him he had a conversation with me and that I wasn't. (Phew, that was a close one, he almost let the cat out of the bag that I really was illiterate, I actually can't read anything I am typing right now.) Back to the "them" from above. After writing this entry I realized the other one who called me illiterate also had the same comment, "you are only a quarter of the person you could be." Who are these people???

Again, I'm not sure who gave these two the right to decide what type of person I should be, maybe they should check out to see where they are on the road to Nirvana, I would imagine we are around the same mile marker.

It's hard to capture the multitude of his rudeness, people would call me the next James Frey. In my own mind I used to think he was flirting with me, now I realize he actually hates me. What tops the cupcake you ask? He's told me he wishes he could get rid of me. If I met a Genie, I'd wish to make him nicer to me.

Adventures in online dating

Somewhere along the way, and I'm not exactly sure where, I got the great idea maybe online dating isn't as bad as I thought it was. After numerous conversations with my friends about how it's great for certain people, not for me, blah blah blah its filled the void myspace left when I inevitably became bored of its newness.

We all know the path people take to the online world. I dated this jerk, we just weren't compatible, why won't he commit, another bottle of wine, a 13 hour Law and Order marathon and you're filling out the online questionnaire.

I started with match.com. At first it was a bit exciting, kind of like myspace, until there on page four was my ex-boyfriend staring at me. I wanted to duck like Carrie did on Sex and the City when Aiden signed online. My first thoughts were, "Can he see me? OMG he knows I'm on here!" After the initial shock wore off and about 15 winks later I was done. I felt like a prostitute. Hi sailors, I like walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and the color red. Ok not really, it went more along the lines of....I like baseball, I like dogs, you don't like animals I feel like there may be something wrong with you, BBQ good, oh, and I'm afraid of online dating, good luck. I thought it was funny and quirky, I guess they thought it was lame.

About 4 days pass and another bottle of wine magically empty I'm filling out the eharmony questionnaire alone on a Saturday night. This seems more my speed, no one can just look me up or pick me out of 1000's of suitorettes. Quality, well they weren't exactly my type, but some had potential. (side note: I've learned that I can't multi-date on the web either.) Anyway, you send and answer questions a la Mallrats. You can choose from stock questions or create your own. I've decided to keep my 2005 NYE motto "keep it real" alive and well. When asked what my simplest pleasure was, I wrote 1,000 characters on bacon and it's awesomeness. My questions back tend to go like this, suitor number 1: If you could be anyone living or dead who would it be?
So far I have received:

Leonardo Di Vinci
Isaac Newton
James Bond
Lewis or Clark

I finally agreed to go on my first internet date. I was convinced this was it, I was going to be murdered or kidnapped but I needed to get over this fear. How was I ever going to find the one?! I almost made a missing persons flyer for my coworker but I thought it may jinx me. He was a Mid-Western boy who hacked for a living. (Hi Brendan+hacker!) He seemed fun, we debated for about 3 hours and laughed for another. Unfortunately he did not feel the same. Apparently he's got Chandler Syndrome.

Back to the drawing board. I open my eharmony matches for the week and there looking at me is a law student. Oh man, now this was going to be interesting. We saw each other a few times but then I had my chance and it went a little something like this:

Me: "so how's the website treating you??"
Him: "what website?"
Me: "eharmony?"
Him: starting to stammer, "I'm not on it, well I'm not using it, I was going to cancel it, I'm almost at the end."
Me: "oh ok, well you know, me and you got matched up."
Him: turns bright red, starts filling out the wrong part of the form, starts crossing out, attempts to re-write. "Now you've got me all flustered!"
He finishes the form, asks my name and walks out asap.

It may have been all worth it for that one moment. I was matched up with another law student a few days ago but I know he's the kind of guy who will stop in and say, "Hey you! Eharmony!" with a high-five, but I could be wrong, might be another opportunity to make someone very uncomfortable.

So to all you eharmoniers out there I have a question. Have you ever read your personality analysis? Mine could not be anymore far off, a 5 year old would probably do a better job. I sent some of the info to my friends and they concurred, analysis no good! Here is an example of words they use to describe me:

Fair Considered Collaborative

Responsive Sensible Diplomatic

Contemplative Indulgent Rational

They also claim I am not very out-going. I don't agree. I may need to send them an e-mail.

Recently I was cleaning my room and I found remnants of days passed. Hidden behind my giant, fake bottle of Fernet was a real bottle of wine. How I managed to get it back there without knocking over everything I own, I don't know, it's just another mystery to be filed away with other drunken absurdities.

Stay tuned...there may be another date in the works......