Saturday, May 10, 2008

And the douchebag of the year award goes to........quiet please......Michael!

I was sucker punched. Last Sunday I felt like I was walking down the street and was hit by a beam from behind. From what, you ask? The all-time worst date EVER. Some people might say, ever? Are you sure? I am positive!

Working during finals can always get a bit overwhelming, causes us all to make an irrational decision here or there; last week was mine. Nicole had successfully, ok I use that loosely, she went out on a few crazy blind dates and was an advocate of giving it at least one chance. I was feeling adventurous so I set one up for this past Sunday.

CBD sent me a brief bio before I accepted him. He was 5'11", athletic, white and not religious. He claimed he was a self proclaimed arian (yes he spelled it wrong not me) and emo child. I thought maybe he is being humorous. Nicole reviewed with me and said, yeah give him a shot even though she had some reservations. However, I should say that up there is no seller but I remember there was something in his bio that was intriguing but for the life of me don't know what it is anymore.

Anyway, Sunday I received the text from CBD letting me know my date was in an hour and that I could contact the lucky individual at that point. Shot out one text, "we still on?" Received a yes'm so I put on some make-up and did my hair for about 10 minutes. Feeling somewhat satisfied I headed to the Alembic to meet my date. He messaged to say he secured a table to the left of the door.

I arrived, went over to the table and said "Hi! I'm Kristin." I could see it in his eyes, he was disappointed. (I know I'm not Heidi Klum but his look of disappointment was tantamount that he may have honestly thought he was meeting Heidi Klum and instead I showed up.) It manifested in him not saying anything for a good two minutes. I look at my watch thinking, am I late is that why he's so quiet? But I checked the time and it was only 7:02. He wrote in his small bio that he prefers people to be on time so I joked, 7:02 not bad.

His name was Michael and he was wearing tight, gray jeans and a blue, mini sweatshirt. He looked clearly distraught. I almost asked him what was wrong with him he looked so distressed.
Finally he mumbled that I was a little better than the people who showed up one hour and two hours late. (a little???)

With that said I decided to look at the menu and figure out what I wanted to drink.

Finally I broke the silence:

me: "So.....do you work?"
him: "no."
me: "ok, well, what do you do for fun?"
him: "I don't have time for fun."
me: "Are you a student? Why don't you have time for fun?"
him: "I work."
me: "hmm"

The waitress came back and said can I get you a drink so I ordered a glass of sake and he ordered some tequila grapefruit concoction.

More silence.

Me: "So where are you from?"
Michael: "Seattle."
Me: "Oh my roommate and old roommate are from Seattle, which part?"
Michael: "Fremont."
Me: "I went to some flea market in Fremont, bought a guitar."
Michael, looking clearly annoyed: "There aren't any flea markets in Fremont."
Me: "Are you sure, it was on a hill over-looking the sound/city."
No: "I'm positive."

(later on my roommate assured me that Fremont does in fact have a flea market and that we went there.)

Silence.

Me: "So how was your day, what did you do?"
Michael: "I went and got coffee."
Me: "Oh where at?"
Michael: "Ritual Coffee, its in a post office down by Cesar Chavez and 2nd street. I hate all San Francisco coffee, its so terrible, only Seattle has good coffee."
Me: (thinking to myself that Cesar Chaver and 2nd don't cross) "hmmm, I'm not a big coffee drinker."

Waitress comes back and places our drinks at the table.

Waitress to him: "Would you like me to put in your food order now?"
Michael: "No, I want to cancel it."
Me: (ummm...wow.)

Me: (ok maybe I can salvage this...)

Me: "Do you have a bike?"
Michael: "Yes."
Me: "I would like to get a bike but don't know much about them or where to go."
Michael: "what kind of bike do you want?"
Me: "A road bike, not a mountain bike and not a Lance Armstrong bike."
Michael: "A Lance Armstrong bike is a road bike. You know, I wasn't inclined to accept you since I hate sports fans but I thought you might have some redeeming qualities."
Me: (half-heartedly) "Do I?"
Michael: "No."

An extremely awkward silence ensues.....

Me: "Ok..ummm...what kind of music do you listen too?"
Him: (tripped over naming some obscure bands).

He motions to the waitress, I want the bill NOW. Waitress scurries off to get the check.

Me: "Oh I've never heard of them."
Michael: "What kind of music do you like? Where do you hear about that music?"
Me: "Through word of mouth, online, radio etc. I pretty much like everything; (named some bands)....Beastie Boys, although I've liked them a long time and some can say they sold out but I still like them."

Waitress brings over the cup and he throws his credit card at her.

Michael: "What is it about people like you and selling out, why do you get so upset?"
Me: "I don't necessarily get upset, bands should get the option to succeed but I can say I prefer smaller shows and when bands get big I don't want to go see them at some arena getting pushed around by a 12 year old with an attitude problem."

Waitress is heading back with the check and he's already out of his seat, signing it in the air and putting his card in his pocket.

I get up, not really understanding what just happened in the past 35 minutes but I follow him outside and say..."well it was nice meeting you." In an attempt to be a bigger person and leave cordially but no, here comes the kicker.

Michael: (taking something out of his pocket) "I have some super duper band-aids for you. They are new, durable and extra strong. They should help cover your wounded heart."

Me: Completely confused, actually think he's giving me something and take the band-aids.

Michael runs down Haight with a sense of urgency.

At that point I looked down and realized I was holding three normal band-aids. I was in shock. It took a good day to completely process what had happened.

Part of me thinks nothing he told me was true. The Fremont information was incorrect, he stumbled over the band names and a coffee shop in a post office at an intersection that doesn't exist? I probably should of called him out there or walked out after his first rude comment but honestly it happened so fast.

Later that night I rated him on CBD terribly, told the owners he should not be allowed to use the site again and sent a final message "Fuck you and your band-aids. You are the most rude, inconsiderate human being I have ever met."

At this point it really is comical but hands down is my worst date on record. He by far beats the guy who was constantly texting his "friend" or the romantic McDonald's Valentine's meal. Realistically I know it probably won't, with my luck there is bound to be someone out there waiting to top it. However this proves it's not my taste in men, it's luck. At least it will keep my sense of humor alive.

So if you meet a man who is 5"11", extremely skinny, pale skin, thinning blond hair and he introduces himself as Michael run far, far away.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Xiong Mao, Freaks and Lies.

So I lied, I admit it, my ego got the best of me. I know I promised no more dating posts but I felt defeated by claiming I didn't like match.com when I hadn't even given it a proper shot. Its hard for me to write something off that I haven't even tried so I extended a month, just one to give it a decent attempt and boy do I regret it. Its not even about finding someone at this point. I'm pretty content with my current situation, well kind of, but recently I've developed an addiction to trying every method possible. Realistically I don't think I am going to find someone over the internet but if I do in fact end up alone with my newly named cat, we will get to the later, I can say yes I gave it my best shot!

How was it you ask? Last night I went out with a leprechaun. Now don't get me wrong, I really don't discriminate against height and its hard to be shorter than me when you are a man but last night I found one of the few people who actually stood eye-to-eye with me. What was even worse was that he actually laughed like a leprechaun. I should of known on the phone when he giggled and it sounded a bit feminine/evil. I was willing to look past the short stature but then he opened his mouth and it was down hill from there. I don't think you should move from so what do you do for a living to....well what's your deal, why are you here, what is your dating history/issues. Of course I appreciate people who don't beat around the bush but this was a bit forward even for me. After I calmly responded I don't have any issues, they didn't work out thats it. What did he expect me to say? He'd already been psycho-analyzing me the first 20 minutes I had to protect my hand. From there he began to tell me how he lives a detached dating life and how great he is for it. Wow, right there the psych minor in me was going oh-boy does this guy have baggage. Some girl hurt him down the line and now he's "detached." Well detach this! I went to the bathroom, came back and said I need to get up early, let's go. Sure I'm opinionated but I am usually very nice, however this guy I was starting to loath. If we didn't leave then we were going to have problems.

I'd like to thank D for the e-mail template, it worked wonders, except he responded! I didn't think a polite, nice getting to know you, don't think we had any chemistry warranted a response but apparently he thought so. His response......usually I wait two dates to say we don't have chemistry but since you decided to say it first, I agree. Whew thanks, another date with him and I might swear off Lucky Charms forever.

One time doesn't necessarily mean I gave match a chance but I feel comfortable calling it quits. You try one, you've tried them all.

Next on my agenda.....crazyblinddate.com.

Rapid quickfire: other happenings in cupcake's life?

I renamed my cat. She was coined Haole by a previous roommate but last week I decided instead I was going to call her, "Xiong Mao." It literally translates to bear cat but means panda. I anointed her with the new name and she looked at me with her cutest angry face, really? You think I'm going to just accept my new name. She continues to ignore me so I may have to settle for it just being a nickname like "Hal." Also she tried to kill me last night for no good reason. Sarah hears a AHHH! smash, cups clink and me say F! She was kind enough to get up and check on me. What happened? Haole leapt off the floor, bear hugged my arm, bit my shoulder and sliced open my forearm.

Day 5 of finals.........only 13 more to go. I have given up looking nice and today tried to sneak by in dressy PJ's. Did I mention some law students are insane? Any day now one of them will lose it for sure. The closest I've seen is a guy who could only manage to ring the bell, stare at me for awhile and all high-pitched say, "Murder." I really thought that was it, this is for sure the one who is going to lose it right here in the office. I've seen him since and he still just stares with his very best Shining face.

Not only are law students crazy but so are the people in my building. A few days ago I forgot something and had to run in quickly to pick it up and this guy coming in behind me says hi. I mumble back hi and take off for the stairs as fast as I could and hear him downstairs going, "Hi! Hi! Hi! Weirdo! Freaking Weirdo! Weirdo!" I could still hear him rambling as I was entering my apartment.


This blog was written to Blondie and Salt-N-Pepa's Greatest Hits.