Somewhere along the way, and I'm not exactly sure where, I got the great idea maybe online dating isn't as bad as I thought it was. After numerous conversations with my friends about how it's great for certain people, not for me, blah blah blah its filled the void myspace left when I inevitably became bored of its newness.
We all know the path people take to the online world. I dated this jerk, we just weren't compatible, why won't he commit, another bottle of wine, a 13 hour Law and Order marathon and you're filling out the online questionnaire.
I started with match.com. At first it was a bit exciting, kind of like myspace, until there on page four was my ex-boyfriend staring at me. I wanted to duck like Carrie did on Sex and the City when Aiden signed online. My first thoughts were, "Can he see me? OMG he knows I'm on here!" After the initial shock wore off and about 15 winks later I was done. I felt like a prostitute. Hi sailors, I like walks on the beach, candlelight dinners and the color red. Ok not really, it went more along the lines of....I like baseball, I like dogs, you don't like animals I feel like there may be something wrong with you, BBQ good, oh, and I'm afraid of online dating, good luck. I thought it was funny and quirky, I guess they thought it was lame.
About 4 days pass and another bottle of wine magically empty I'm filling out the eharmony questionnaire alone on a Saturday night. This seems more my speed, no one can just look me up or pick me out of 1000's of suitorettes. Quality, well they weren't exactly my type, but some had potential. (side note: I've learned that I can't multi-date on the web either.) Anyway, you send and answer questions a la Mallrats. You can choose from stock questions or create your own. I've decided to keep my 2005 NYE motto "keep it real" alive and well. When asked what my simplest pleasure was, I wrote 1,000 characters on bacon and it's awesomeness. My questions back tend to go like this, suitor number 1: If you could be anyone living or dead who would it be?
So far I have received:
Leonardo Di Vinci
Isaac Newton
James Bond
Lewis or Clark
I finally agreed to go on my first internet date. I was convinced this was it, I was going to be murdered or kidnapped but I needed to get over this fear. How was I ever going to find the one?! I almost made a missing persons flyer for my coworker but I thought it may jinx me. He was a Mid-Western boy who hacked for a living. (Hi Brendan+hacker!) He seemed fun, we debated for about 3 hours and laughed for another. Unfortunately he did not feel the same. Apparently he's got Chandler Syndrome.
Back to the drawing board. I open my eharmony matches for the week and there looking at me is a law student. Oh man, now this was going to be interesting. We saw each other a few times but then I had my chance and it went a little something like this:
Me: "so how's the website treating you??"
Him: "what website?"
Me: "eharmony?"
Him: starting to stammer, "I'm not on it, well I'm not using it, I was going to cancel it, I'm almost at the end."
Me: "oh ok, well you know, me and you got matched up."
Him: turns bright red, starts filling out the wrong part of the form, starts crossing out, attempts to re-write. "Now you've got me all flustered!"
He finishes the form, asks my name and walks out asap.
It may have been all worth it for that one moment. I was matched up with another law student a few days ago but I know he's the kind of guy who will stop in and say, "Hey you! Eharmony!" with a high-five, but I could be wrong, might be another opportunity to make someone very uncomfortable.
So to all you eharmoniers out there I have a question. Have you ever read your personality analysis? Mine could not be anymore far off, a 5 year old would probably do a better job. I sent some of the info to my friends and they concurred, analysis no good! Here is an example of words they use to describe me:
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Recently I was cleaning my room and I found remnants of days passed. Hidden behind my giant, fake bottle of Fernet was a real bottle of wine. How I managed to get it back there without knocking over everything I own, I don't know, it's just another mystery to be filed away with other drunken absurdities.
Stay tuned...there may be another date in the works......
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