And the douchebag of the year award goes to........quiet please......Michael!

I was sucker punched. Last Sunday I felt like I was walking down the street and was hit by a beam from behind. From what, you ask? The all-time worst date EVER. Some people might say, ever? Are you sure? I am positive!

Working during finals can always get a bit overwhelming, causes us all to make an irrational decision here or there; last week was mine. Nicole had successfully, ok I use that loosely, she went out on a few crazy blind dates and was an advocate of giving it at least one chance. I was feeling adventurous so I set one up for this past Sunday.

CBD sent me a brief bio before I accepted him. He was 5'11", athletic, white and not religious. He claimed he was a self proclaimed arian (yes he spelled it wrong not me) and emo child. I thought maybe he is being humorous. Nicole reviewed with me and said, yeah give him a shot even though she had some reservations. However, I should say that up there is no seller but I remember there was something in his bio that was intriguing but for the life of me don't know what it is anymore.

Anyway, Sunday I received the text from CBD letting me know my date was in an hour and that I could contact the lucky individual at that point. Shot out one text, "we still on?" Received a yes'm so I put on some make-up and did my hair for about 10 minutes. Feeling somewhat satisfied I headed to the Alembic to meet my date. He messaged to say he secured a table to the left of the door.

I arrived, went over to the table and said "Hi! I'm Kristin." I could see it in his eyes, he was disappointed. (I know I'm not Heidi Klum but his look of disappointment was tantamount that he may have honestly thought he was meeting Heidi Klum and instead I showed up.) It manifested in him not saying anything for a good two minutes. I look at my watch thinking, am I late is that why he's so quiet? But I checked the time and it was only 7:02. He wrote in his small bio that he prefers people to be on time so I joked, 7:02 not bad.

His name was Michael and he was wearing tight, gray jeans and a blue, mini sweatshirt. He looked clearly distraught. I almost asked him what was wrong with him he looked so distressed.
Finally he mumbled that I was a little better than the people who showed up one hour and two hours late. (a little???)

With that said I decided to look at the menu and figure out what I wanted to drink.

Finally I broke the silence:

me: "So.....do you work?"
him: "no."
me: "ok, well, what do you do for fun?"
him: "I don't have time for fun."
me: "Are you a student? Why don't you have time for fun?"
him: "I work."
me: "hmm"

The waitress came back and said can I get you a drink so I ordered a glass of sake and he ordered some tequila grapefruit concoction.

More silence.

Me: "So where are you from?"
Michael: "Seattle."
Me: "Oh my roommate and old roommate are from Seattle, which part?"
Michael: "Fremont."
Me: "I went to some flea market in Fremont, bought a guitar."
Michael, looking clearly annoyed: "There aren't any flea markets in Fremont."
Me: "Are you sure, it was on a hill over-looking the sound/city."
No: "I'm positive."

(later on my roommate assured me that Fremont does in fact have a flea market and that we went there.)

Silence.

Me: "So how was your day, what did you do?"
Michael: "I went and got coffee."
Me: "Oh where at?"
Michael: "Ritual Coffee, its in a post office down by Cesar Chavez and 2nd street. I hate all San Francisco coffee, its so terrible, only Seattle has good coffee."
Me: (thinking to myself that Cesar Chaver and 2nd don't cross) "hmmm, I'm not a big coffee drinker."

Waitress comes back and places our drinks at the table.

Waitress to him: "Would you like me to put in your food order now?"
Michael: "No, I want to cancel it."
Me: (ummm...wow.)

Me: (ok maybe I can salvage this...)

Me: "Do you have a bike?"
Michael: "Yes."
Me: "I would like to get a bike but don't know much about them or where to go."
Michael: "what kind of bike do you want?"
Me: "A road bike, not a mountain bike and not a Lance Armstrong bike."
Michael: "A Lance Armstrong bike is a road bike. You know, I wasn't inclined to accept you since I hate sports fans but I thought you might have some redeeming qualities."
Me: (half-heartedly) "Do I?"
Michael: "No."

An extremely awkward silence ensues.....

Me: "Ok..ummm...what kind of music do you listen too?"
Him: (tripped over naming some obscure bands).

He motions to the waitress, I want the bill NOW. Waitress scurries off to get the check.

Me: "Oh I've never heard of them."
Michael: "What kind of music do you like? Where do you hear about that music?"
Me: "Through word of mouth, online, radio etc. I pretty much like everything; (named some bands)....Beastie Boys, although I've liked them a long time and some can say they sold out but I still like them."

Waitress brings over the cup and he throws his credit card at her.

Michael: "What is it about people like you and selling out, why do you get so upset?"
Me: "I don't necessarily get upset, bands should get the option to succeed but I can say I prefer smaller shows and when bands get big I don't want to go see them at some arena getting pushed around by a 12 year old with an attitude problem."

Waitress is heading back with the check and he's already out of his seat, signing it in the air and putting his card in his pocket.

I get up, not really understanding what just happened in the past 35 minutes but I follow him outside and say..."well it was nice meeting you." In an attempt to be a bigger person and leave cordially but no, here comes the kicker.

Michael: (taking something out of his pocket) "I have some super duper band-aids for you. They are new, durable and extra strong. They should help cover your wounded heart."

Me: Completely confused, actually think he's giving me something and take the band-aids.

Michael runs down Haight with a sense of urgency.

At that point I looked down and realized I was holding three normal band-aids. I was in shock. It took a good day to completely process what had happened.

Part of me thinks nothing he told me was true. The Fremont information was incorrect, he stumbled over the band names and a coffee shop in a post office at an intersection that doesn't exist? I probably should of called him out there or walked out after his first rude comment but honestly it happened so fast.

Later that night I rated him on CBD terribly, told the owners he should not be allowed to use the site again and sent a final message "Fuck you and your band-aids. You are the most rude, inconsiderate human being I have ever met."

At this point it really is comical but hands down is my worst date on record. He by far beats the guy who was constantly texting his "friend" or the romantic McDonald's Valentine's meal. Realistically I know it probably won't, with my luck there is bound to be someone out there waiting to top it. However this proves it's not my taste in men, it's luck. At least it will keep my sense of humor alive.

So if you meet a man who is 5"11", extremely skinny, pale skin, thinning blond hair and he introduces himself as Michael run far, far away.

Xiong Mao, Freaks and Lies.

So I lied, I admit it, my ego got the best of me. I know I promised no more dating posts but I felt defeated by claiming I didn't like match.com when I hadn't even given it a proper shot. Its hard for me to write something off that I haven't even tried so I extended a month, just one to give it a decent attempt and boy do I regret it. Its not even about finding someone at this point. I'm pretty content with my current situation, well kind of, but recently I've developed an addiction to trying every method possible. Realistically I don't think I am going to find someone over the internet but if I do in fact end up alone with my newly named cat, we will get to the later, I can say yes I gave it my best shot!

How was it you ask? Last night I went out with a leprechaun. Now don't get me wrong, I really don't discriminate against height and its hard to be shorter than me when you are a man but last night I found one of the few people who actually stood eye-to-eye with me. What was even worse was that he actually laughed like a leprechaun. I should of known on the phone when he giggled and it sounded a bit feminine/evil. I was willing to look past the short stature but then he opened his mouth and it was down hill from there. I don't think you should move from so what do you do for a living to....well what's your deal, why are you here, what is your dating history/issues. Of course I appreciate people who don't beat around the bush but this was a bit forward even for me. After I calmly responded I don't have any issues, they didn't work out thats it. What did he expect me to say? He'd already been psycho-analyzing me the first 20 minutes I had to protect my hand. From there he began to tell me how he lives a detached dating life and how great he is for it. Wow, right there the psych minor in me was going oh-boy does this guy have baggage. Some girl hurt him down the line and now he's "detached." Well detach this! I went to the bathroom, came back and said I need to get up early, let's go. Sure I'm opinionated but I am usually very nice, however this guy I was starting to loath. If we didn't leave then we were going to have problems.

I'd like to thank D for the e-mail template, it worked wonders, except he responded! I didn't think a polite, nice getting to know you, don't think we had any chemistry warranted a response but apparently he thought so. His response......usually I wait two dates to say we don't have chemistry but since you decided to say it first, I agree. Whew thanks, another date with him and I might swear off Lucky Charms forever.

One time doesn't necessarily mean I gave match a chance but I feel comfortable calling it quits. You try one, you've tried them all.

Next on my agenda.....crazyblinddate.com.

Rapid quickfire: other happenings in cupcake's life?

I renamed my cat. She was coined Haole by a previous roommate but last week I decided instead I was going to call her, "Xiong Mao." It literally translates to bear cat but means panda. I anointed her with the new name and she looked at me with her cutest angry face, really? You think I'm going to just accept my new name. She continues to ignore me so I may have to settle for it just being a nickname like "Hal." Also she tried to kill me last night for no good reason. Sarah hears a AHHH! smash, cups clink and me say F! She was kind enough to get up and check on me. What happened? Haole leapt off the floor, bear hugged my arm, bit my shoulder and sliced open my forearm.

Day 5 of finals.........only 13 more to go. I have given up looking nice and today tried to sneak by in dressy PJ's. Did I mention some law students are insane? Any day now one of them will lose it for sure. The closest I've seen is a guy who could only manage to ring the bell, stare at me for awhile and all high-pitched say, "Murder." I really thought that was it, this is for sure the one who is going to lose it right here in the office. I've seen him since and he still just stares with his very best Shining face.

Not only are law students crazy but so are the people in my building. A few days ago I forgot something and had to run in quickly to pick it up and this guy coming in behind me says hi. I mumble back hi and take off for the stairs as fast as I could and hear him downstairs going, "Hi! Hi! Hi! Weirdo! Freaking Weirdo! Weirdo!" I could still hear him rambling as I was entering my apartment.


This blog was written to Blondie and Salt-N-Pepa's Greatest Hits.

Lovin't it and leavin' it, like a Friday night in the Marina district

Well its finally that time. Just like Nelly Furtado and Chris Martin sang so beautifully together, "ah ah aaahhh....why must all good things must come to an end..." that includes my adventures in online dating. On Monday, April 21st, my e-harmony account will be sucked away into our man made black hole. I'm unsure if its like Facebook or Cher but for purposes of this blog its time to sing Kum Ba Yah. I might light a single candle and sing in honor of its memory (a melodramatic ending only seems fit, especially since I am writing the good-bye blog 5 days early).

I'm not sure if I should feel sad, happy or relieved. Sad? I did come out exactly where I started, rolling solo. Happy? I feel like I have enough rejection under my belt that even Brad Pitt could deny me and I'd take it like a champ. Relieved? Mentally, online dating is a challenge. Its like being a promo girl all over again spending two hours trying to connect with every person in the room and hoping they'd buy your product; this time the product is me (may need to take a poll: which one is easier to sell, Fernet or myself). Honestly, your brain gets tired of constantly answering; what do I like to do for fun on the weekend or name your simple pleasure. (Those tend to be a favorite of the stock questions).

With that said, I won't miss the bad questions, awkward first time meet and greets and struggling for things to talk about on the phone but I will miss Phomeo and the random, "I think I saw you on eharmony" sightings.

Where am I now and what's the plan for the future you ask.

I decided, with input from a few friends, that somewhere along the way people lost faith in relationships. If I asked 5 different people what dating meant I could quite possibly get 5 different answers. One person tried to convince me that monogamy doesn't exist anymore, while my other friend called me up to ask if people really do mutli-date on the West Coast. "I heard you assume they are dating at least two other people until you have the talk, is that true?" They both may be on to something, online dating does promote multi-tasking. Even so, whether you met the person online or in person inevitably they will have some baggage from a previous relationship and you need to make a decision how much baggage are you willing to take on. I know good people exist out there but its like going to the Rack; you gotta be prepared to spend your whole day sifting through hideous shirts, skanky skirts and pants that are just plain offensive to find that one amazing $15 Marc Jacob shirt (!!!!!!!)

I will admit I am too lazy to find out whats wrong with the state of marriage and relationships in America (my mom says I need to figure it out before I get married) so I'm passing the torch. I did my own mini-case study but its up to the Karma Queen to research and let me know. I'm taking a step back and if and when people figure out what they want and can actually do it and treat you fair I'll be here. Other than that I must retire the relationship rants and bad dates from this blog, as Nicole says, "the world is my oyster." Makes you crave Hog Island, doesn't it????

Phomeo

The thing I like about San Francisco, and sometimes completely dislike, is even though its a gigantic city, or at least feels that way when you are doing Bay to Breakers, it has a small town feel. This was confirmed today when I received my second message ever on match. The first as you all may remember is the Marine who bitched me out for saying even though I support the armed forces and the United States I prefer not to date a Marine. Moreover a Marine with three kids, from different moms, who assured me, "don't worry none of them live in California." (that part remained in my inner monologue). He claimed I was falsely advertising with my middle of the road politics stance, "you might as well be a Republican!"

So message number two, I will omit his name but not the photo. From henceforth, he shall be known as "Phomeo." (coined by Wayne).




I got all excited, another semi-Phuc sighting! So I e-mailed "Phomeo" to Romeo and Phuc, what I was not expecting was to get this response. "...I actually know that guy..."
Turns out Phomeo works with Phuc!!!

Romeo on the otherhand said:

[12:15] Romeo: hmm?
[12:16] Romeo: he seems like a nice guy
[12:16] Romeo: is he your type
[12:16] Me: are you and Phuc my type?
[12:16] Romeo: i dunno about phuc. am i?
[12:17] Romeo: i am funny, educated, down to earth, i have a big family, am good with dogs and making fun of cats, love 80s movies, watch cartoons, can drive a stick shift, hip-hop karaoke and am a certified raptologist.

He's sending me his credentials later tonight.

In my attempt to be honest I still managed to say the dreaded, "You're not my type because you are my friend." Even if its true, I suppose its not what a man or woman wants to hear.

I have yet to decide how I will proceed. Phuc was going with respond back, meet up and then randomly show up at one of his work happy hours with Phuc. I was thinking of responding with you look like my friend Phuc and may actually work with him too. And then add, "Phomeo, I think you're great, lets be friends and go play tennis." I don't date coworkers or friend's coworkers anymore. Gets too complicated, attempting to enlarge the circle not shrink, hopefully he'll understand.

Rapid fire rejection

We've all heard the rumors, internet dating is filled with men and women who have been emotionally abused one too many times; they are broken and damaged. Its the same story over again with new names and faces. I thought I had dodged the emo bullet with the first two men I met but I've learned men hide it well. Women can't seem to stop talking about their exes, men never seem to want to. If they do, you know you need to get out fast. I thought I found my first nice guy in years, someone who was not only nice, but ready to get into a relationship and give it 100%. Understandably I had reservations about him, most of you have seen my trail of depris and its not pretty, but I finally checked out of the cycle and said, I am ready, he's honestly a really great guy. Like most dating stories, when you finally give in and accept your feelings thats when they drop the bomb. This bomb, I was not expecting. While discussing with my friend about our plans to go to a brewery he called and said we needed to talk. My heart sank, I thought I knew what was coming. What I didn't expect was the, "I ran into my ex-girlfriend from a year ago and she wants to give it another shot, I really like you, but I need closure. I hope you don't hate me."

Why do men feel the need to end with that line. This has nothing to do with you. This is about you breaking my heart, who cares if I hate you, if its going to happen you can't stop it. I also want to know why men feel the need to call you at work and break up with you. I want to send a memo listing appropriate times to end a relationship with appropriate methods. Texting is not ok, refusing to call back is also not ok. I truly do not have any complaints about him. I have been waiting years for a man to be honest with me and he couldn't have been anymore so. Its hard to hate a person who respects you enough to tell the truth. He deserves this chance, I think everyone has that one person they would take a second chance with or at least seriously consider it a good couple of days. It also makes a bittersweet ending, you feel great he told you the truth, I have closure but you also feel crushed, "damn he was a real stand-up individual." The odd thing is earlier that day I was talking to my friend about how you need to open up for it to work. I've thought too many times, wow if he actually got to know me, he would of really loved me. But we get hurt and we attempt to open what we can and protect the core. Today I decided, I was ready to show the core.

What has this taught me about internet dating? I am voluntarily partaking in rapid fire rejection. I don't know how much a person can handle, 6 months of this just might be torture. I will say, if you make it out alive, you will be the strongest you have been in years. What has this taught me about dating in general? You can't settle and there is a man out there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. What I won't let this do to me? I refuse to join the ranks of the something zombies trolling the internet. I've learned from my past mistakes; you can't control everything and you can't be friends with all your exes but you can control how you take the rejection. This time around I went for class and style. I may have missed a beat today but hopefully I'll be back in tune tomorrow.

Friday Night Follies

Have you ever seen the French film, "The Dinner Party?" If you haven't it I would suggest renting it. This past Wednesday I arranged a happy hour so my friends could meet one of the guys I met on E-harmony. Sure I might have been throwing him to the wolves but I did it anyway. When I arrived my friends had all been sitting there picking out their own favorite Travis. The winner would receive a free drink. They even said they were yelling out "Travis" and waited to see who turned around. After surveying the room and realizing he hadn't arrived yet I still let each of them go through and explain which one was their Travis and why. Some even felt their Travis was better than the real Travis. It was getting pretty intense and people were wildly pointing out Travises. One of which looked exactly like Phuc. I let it go because I didn't know if Phuc would get upset that I told him some guy looked like him. (You know how some people are, that doesn't look like me!) The happy hour progresses and people are pointing at every guy or girl who walks in the door, "Travis!" During the commotion Phuc looks over at me and says, "That guy looks like me with a beard." I hadn't seen my friend laugh that hard in awhile, it had been the same guy he pointed out earlier as a Travis. The funniest part about this is his name is Peter, Phuc's deli alias. At my birthday there was a hip-hop Phuc sighting. I may need to put an ad on Craigslist, if you look like this man head to Washington Square, Sunday, March 23rd at 2pm.




When the real Travis finally arrived there was a debate on who spotted him first. By then we had already been drinking a good two hours. Fortunately the people outside had a non-affiliated witness. From then all I can say is he truly was thrown into the gauntlet and he surprisingly came out alive.

The consensus you ask? One friend said, "Let me put it this way, if I ran into him in a dark alley I'd clutch my purse and grab my mace." Another sent me an e-mail template on how to break up with him. The last one, he actually liked him, said he was a good solid guy.

They did all agree on one thing, the friend. See "She never fails to remind me of Karma" for more info.

Update on the creeper:

I came into work, popped open my e-mail and there it was waiting for me to double click. The creeper sent a message to inform me he just wanted to say Hi, thank me again for the help (2nd or 3rd time) and that he was going to take a nap in the library.

Odd.

Crazy Blind Date:

A few weeks ago I heard of this website called crazyblinddate.com. My coworker signed up and to my delight has become a personal guinea pig. The concept goes: you pick what type of guy you want, the usual stats, height, figure, etc. Then you choose section of the city you want to meet, date and time and cafe or bar. Crazy blind date finds a match for you, sends you a blurred photo with the stats from above. You either accept or deny the date and you're off! The first man she was supposed to meet classified himself as an "other." What is an other you ask, I don't know but we settled on an aboriginal, possibly from the Sierras who climbed down just for her date. My main concern was why do these guys keep asking to meet her in the Castro. She was concerned she put down the wrong sex on her profile.

Anyhow, 30 minutes prior to the date, CBD sends a text to your phone. Through the CBD service you can send a text to your date letting him or her know you are coming and how they should find you. So Friday night around 7:30 she gets the text. We tried hardcore to have her date meet up at EZ5 instead of the Castro but I don't blame her for rejecting our grand idea.
I should note she only drinks once a month and on this fine evening she choose to have a few drinks. She arrives at the Starbucks Castro to realize she needs to use the bathroom from all the booze and that this date may not be starting out on the proper foot. She owned up to her date and told him she had gone to happy hour and that he caught her on the one day a month she drinks. After checking out the line she convinces her date to go over to "preference friendly" Harvey's for dinner. Apparently Friday night is male couple date night. Her date rolled with it and they sat down to eat. As an aside our other coworker said bringing him to Harveys was a good test to see if he was actually gay or not.

Back to the date, earlier in the evening she noticed he had a hickey on his neck but couldn't quite figure out how to approach the subject. Thankfully when she got back from the bathroom the waiter was eyeing her man and commented on his lovely hickey. She took this opportunity to see if a girl was marking her territory or if he had an unfortunate incident with a hoover. He denied both accounts. Note to anyone who plans on doing internet dating, never show up with a hickey!! Her friends decided if there was a second date she needed to show up drunk and say, "Sorry man I really only drink two days a month and you caught me on my second day." All and all the first date was a winner and they are now rated on CBD as a true success stories.

roll e-harmony music...."this will be everlasting love, this will be, the one I've waited for...."

The creeper....

I was talking with my friend last night and the topic of dating inevitably came up. He told me about his night with his girlfriend and I said, oh that sounds like a great date. He gave me a puzzled look and answered, "Date? I don't even know what a date is. We hang out." Which brings me to today's dating culture. I don't think I've ever been on a formal date either, ok fine the prom and 2004 Black and White Ball. Even in the online world I feel like it's more of a mutual meeting of two lonely people. Even though I have taken to using the word "date" I still don't think it's formally been a date, more like a job interview. I will have to say one tried to come pick me up at my house but I vetoed that real fast. It's too soon for him to know where I live. My point in all this you ask?? Tuesday afternoon I think I may have accidentally gone on a date.

But first, the back story! I was standing in my office and a law student, who shall remain anonymous, comes in with a plate of food. As usual I mention, oh that looks good, where did you get it from? (My office never turns down free food.) He then proceeds to offer me his obviously partially eaten plate. Umm...no thanks, I'm good. Oh, well I can go down and get you some food. No no, I'm ok. You sure you don't want my food? No, seriously, I'm good. Ten minutes later my coworker and I head down to get some free food and there he is standing in the room. I'm not sure if he even knew my name at that point but in about 5 seconds he was helping me get food and inviting me to the gun range with him on Friday. It felt a bit fast, plus just as I try not to get into cars with strangers, I prefer not to go to the gun range with them as well.

Fast-Forward to Tuesday.....

The weather was gorgeous so I decided to head down to Mervyn's, Best Buy and Subway. On my way into Best Buy I ran into said law student from above. He chatted me up a bit, why was I here, etc. I explained I needed headphones and surprisingly enough so did he! He immediately took charge and had us over in the headphone section. After showing me all that Best Buy offered I told him it was not what I was looking for and I wanted Zune headphones with the soft ear pillows, not this plasticy-rubber thing they want you to shove in your ears. (High maintenance I know.) Again he instantaneously has a sales rep explaining where the Zune department is located. Thats when he got serious. Now that we are out of USF lets chat openly. He told me his drama for the week, I told him I probably wouldn't get headphones today and he invited me over to the washer section. "Do you have time, would you mind taking a walk with me?" Unfortunately I did not but he offered me a ride back to school anyway. I politely declined and he said, well, ok, I will walk you out. (Out to where? The only place we could go was the parking lot and I still needed to head to Subway.) He handed over his headphones to the security guard and asked him to hold it for a sec. We walked through the doors and stopped. A huge awkward pause ensued and I almost felt obligated to give him a hug and thank him for a great time.

If I did accidentally go on my first date with this guy, I have to give this guy credit. He was so smooth I could of left there married and pregnant and wouldn't have known for two days. My coworker has nicknamed him, "the creeper."

Other highlights this week? 2 e-harmony run-ins. First, I ran into the law student I embarrassed about e-harmony and he cornered me wanting to know why I closed him. Sorry dude, I post your grades. He yelled in typical law student fashion, "Objection, Irrelevent!" He seemed to be over the initial embarrassment.

E-harmony run in part deux. As I was politely declining the gun range invitation another law student approaches me. You are....You work up there right? I saw your picture in the weirdest place. You should of seen the look of panic on my face, picture? Picture of what?? Then he walks away, covers his mouth and whispers, "e-harmony." I knew instantly who his "friend" was but he still refused to divulge his source. His source is going to get it next time he steps foot in this office.

Speaking of law students, you know how Haley Joel Osmond sees dead people? Well I see law students. ALL the time. Now there are two types of law students. The ones who see you at a bar and corner you. So this is what you are like outside of the office?? I didn't realize you actually went out and were cool. Nope I usually sleep in my cubicle but tonight the Registrar was kind enough to let me out. I feel like a zoo animal.

Then there are the others. They see you at a bar, you make eye contact and are forced to say hi. In return they stare at you blankly, oh I know you? Yep, I work in the Registrar's Office. More blank stares, I am the Summer Abroad Coordinator. Continuing their blank stare, have you ever helped me? Why yes, pretty often. Huh, with an accompanying state of perplexity. It's amazing how you are either labeled as this nerdy zoo creature or you are full on ignored and remain faceless no matter how many times you help a person.

So there you have it, my week in a nutshell, now this faceless zoo creature is taking her booty to happy hour.